been a while...

i don't quite remember how i once formatted these blogs

it's been three years since my last post here

since then i've had at least three private blogs that were too sensitive to fathom someone finding

wouldn't be good for me i guess

so i'm not really going to post anything crazy here

this is just to dump my thoughts in a place that isn't twitter or instagram

uh....

yeah i guess i'm at rock bottom right now

or what could turn into rock bottom

i have anger issues i always have

the other day at band practice things weren't going how i wanted them to

i mean things were fine but it just wasn't productive cause no one was communicating in my opinion (which could be flawed)

regardless

as a vocalist i feel pretty helpless when we're just writing songs

i'm not gonna start scatting melodies or some shit

there isn't much for me to do

liam ended up asking kyle to drum for a bit and at that point i had had enough of the day so i walked upstairs and punched two holes in the wall of the living room

stupid of me no doubt

they ended 'practice' and obviously saw what i had done

i was upstairs venting to tea about the whole thing

i knew i fucked up

i went outside where everyone else was 

no doubt talking about what i'm going to get to

they mentioned the holes in the wall asking me what was up

i blamed it on some family shit

they prob saw through it

regardless

we didn't practice yesterday like we normally do

alex said they were "drained" which is fine

i'm not stupid

today i see a long message in the band chat essentially saying we're taking a break for a little bit and they're going to evaluate whether they should kick me out or not

after we all have a talk of course

it's understandable

not really cool how i acted and i'm willing to be gracious in further conversation

just sucks that it has come to this

i was just starting to feel ok after months of spiraling out of control

got fired from job

the world is on fire with this virus

had to cancel a full US tour

had to postpone recording (wasn't a big deal)

i've had control of my life more or less since i decided to not speak to my mom

i was probably 16

just did what i wanted to do

made my money

skipped school

the whole thing

this is the first time i feel like i've had no control

i've had so many dreams where my teeth fall out and i swallow them

i just feel helpless

i can't force the idiots in this country to all wear masks

can't book shows

can't write music cause i don't play any instruments (that well)

so i guess my anger came out in that moment where i also did not have control of practice

i'm not a control freak or anything

i let people voice their ideas and i trust them all to write music that i want to be a part of playing

it just feels so stupid sitting there not being able to do anything

cause no one communicates

and i don't play an instrument

when we do have this talk i'm going to just try and listen and not offer excuses

any issue i have with anybody can be solved later

and there aren't really any issues

it's just that i'm lonely

i have no friends

and that's my fault

people don't like me

i was mean for a long time

i stopped that

i guess now i'm just too negative

and i gotta get over it

cause no one wants to hear me talk shit about whatever band i dislike

whatever stupid kid said what on these apps that i hate

it doesn't matter and it just adds to negativity in peoples minds

so i'm really going to make an effort to stop

i don't have to be friends with everyone in my band

i can keep everything separate

i'm just afraid that if i'm not around facilitating practices

nothing will end up getting done

and i want this band to be huge

cause i think we have what it takes

not for my ego

not for "fans"

i just like music and want to be a part of it

from the inside

my intentions are good

i just really hope they give me a chance

i got a new job working with dogs

it seems to be good for my mental health

i've never been happy to wake up at 5:30 before

i guess i wasn't happy

but i wasn't dreading it

i need to not take things for granted

my band

my girlfriend

my job

the good qualities that i do have

the truth is i just hate myself

i write all these lyrics

that tell you i'm sowing the seeds of my own demise

'i cut myself on everyone'

'i'm burning up i'm becoming a victim of myself'

'forget me or go blind trying'

i'm essentially telling people i'm going to kill myself

not today

not tomorrow

but one day

and all these people who no longer invite me to their homes

to hang out

will grab the mic from me

and scream those words in my face

without knowing what i'm telling them in these stupid songs

being in a band is not the best thing for me

but it's all i know

it's all i'm good at

marketing

promoting

touring

grinding

making sure we take the right steps

whatever

if i stay in the band we'll get there

and if i get kicked out

i'm sure they'll find their place and be happy there

i don't doubt anyone's musical ability

our success is not solely attributed to me

no matter how hard i push people

no matter how much of a plan i lay out

they're still mad talented

whatever just needed to get that shit off my chest

gonna try to post more about things i enjoy and dissecting why and how things apply to me mentally

not trying to make this some stupid self loathing self pity blog like all the private ones in the past

i am actively trying to be a healthier happier person

i hate myself

i don't know if that will ever change

but i can not give in

not today

not anymore

if you're reading this

i would appreciate it if you kept this our little secret

i need a place to vent

i don't want to drag the people i speak about into some drama

i sound paranoid but it has happened time and time again cause of my big fucking mouth

i'll write soon

hang tight

-jordan