i don't quite remember how i once formatted these blogs
it's been three years since my last post here
since then i've had at least three private blogs that were too sensitive to fathom someone finding
wouldn't be good for me i guess
so i'm not really going to post anything crazy here
this is just to dump my thoughts in a place that isn't twitter or instagram
uh....
yeah i guess i'm at rock bottom right now
or what could turn into rock bottom
i have anger issues i always have
the other day at band practice things weren't going how i wanted them to
i mean things were fine but it just wasn't productive cause no one was communicating in my opinion (which could be flawed)
regardless
as a vocalist i feel pretty helpless when we're just writing songs
i'm not gonna start scatting melodies or some shit
there isn't much for me to do
liam ended up asking kyle to drum for a bit and at that point i had had enough of the day so i walked upstairs and punched two holes in the wall of the living room
stupid of me no doubt
they ended 'practice' and obviously saw what i had done
i was upstairs venting to tea about the whole thing
i knew i fucked up
i went outside where everyone else was
no doubt talking about what i'm going to get to
they mentioned the holes in the wall asking me what was up
i blamed it on some family shit
they prob saw through it
regardless
we didn't practice yesterday like we normally do
alex said they were "drained" which is fine
i'm not stupid
today i see a long message in the band chat essentially saying we're taking a break for a little bit and they're going to evaluate whether they should kick me out or not
after we all have a talk of course
it's understandable
not really cool how i acted and i'm willing to be gracious in further conversation
just sucks that it has come to this
i was just starting to feel ok after months of spiraling out of control
got fired from job
the world is on fire with this virus
had to cancel a full US tour
had to postpone recording (wasn't a big deal)
i've had control of my life more or less since i decided to not speak to my mom
i was probably 16
just did what i wanted to do
made my money
skipped school
the whole thing
this is the first time i feel like i've had no control
i've had so many dreams where my teeth fall out and i swallow them
i just feel helpless
i can't force the idiots in this country to all wear masks
can't book shows
can't write music cause i don't play any instruments (that well)
so i guess my anger came out in that moment where i also did not have control of practice
i'm not a control freak or anything
i let people voice their ideas and i trust them all to write music that i want to be a part of playing
it just feels so stupid sitting there not being able to do anything
cause no one communicates
and i don't play an instrument
when we do have this talk i'm going to just try and listen and not offer excuses
any issue i have with anybody can be solved later
and there aren't really any issues
it's just that i'm lonely
i have no friends
and that's my fault
people don't like me
i was mean for a long time
i stopped that
i guess now i'm just too negative
and i gotta get over it
cause no one wants to hear me talk shit about whatever band i dislike
whatever stupid kid said what on these apps that i hate
it doesn't matter and it just adds to negativity in peoples minds
so i'm really going to make an effort to stop
i don't have to be friends with everyone in my band
i can keep everything separate
i'm just afraid that if i'm not around facilitating practices
nothing will end up getting done
and i want this band to be huge
cause i think we have what it takes
not for my ego
not for "fans"
i just like music and want to be a part of it
from the inside
my intentions are good
i just really hope they give me a chance
i got a new job working with dogs
it seems to be good for my mental health
i've never been happy to wake up at 5:30 before
i guess i wasn't happy
but i wasn't dreading it
i need to not take things for granted
my band
my girlfriend
my job
the good qualities that i do have
the truth is i just hate myself
i write all these lyrics
that tell you i'm sowing the seeds of my own demise
'i cut myself on everyone'
'i'm burning up i'm becoming a victim of myself'
'forget me or go blind trying'
i'm essentially telling people i'm going to kill myself
not today
not tomorrow
but one day
and all these people who no longer invite me to their homes
to hang out
will grab the mic from me
and scream those words in my face
without knowing what i'm telling them in these stupid songs
being in a band is not the best thing for me
but it's all i know
it's all i'm good at
marketing
promoting
touring
grinding
making sure we take the right steps
whatever
if i stay in the band we'll get there
and if i get kicked out
i'm sure they'll find their place and be happy there
i don't doubt anyone's musical ability
our success is not solely attributed to me
no matter how hard i push people
no matter how much of a plan i lay out
they're still mad talented
whatever just needed to get that shit off my chest
gonna try to post more about things i enjoy and dissecting why and how things apply to me mentally
not trying to make this some stupid self loathing self pity blog like all the private ones in the past
i am actively trying to be a healthier happier person
i hate myself
i don't know if that will ever change
but i can not give in
not today
not anymore
if you're reading this
i would appreciate it if you kept this our little secret
i need a place to vent
i don't want to drag the people i speak about into some drama
i sound paranoid but it has happened time and time again cause of my big fucking mouth
i'll write soon
hang tight
-jordan
