9am 6pm 10pm 3am 7am 1pm

been thinking about it all day

sucks

i just need to chill out really

only speak when spoken to kind of person

guess i've never really tried that

kinda hard to be disliked if you don't talk

unless you're just a creepy mouthbreather

and i'm not

i'm just worried they're gonna not give me another shot

haven't really gotten here before with everyone

just with alex

who i've had peaks and valleys of a relationship with before

but we were chillin for a while

and we're even ok now

i just wouldn't consider them a friend

everyone in my life is an acquaintance

other than tea

oh well

listened to the first atreyu record today

kinda ok

i hate the killswitchy cleans

everything else about it is sick though

i think poison the well are the only metalcore band of that era that can get away with cleans

eighteen visions sucked at it

atreyu sucks at it

it dies today sucked at it

killswith sucked at it

obviously just an opinion

u can very well like all of those bands when they sing and that's fine

that's something i got over too

acting like my opinion is fact

and stating it everywhere

so that's improvement

i kinda slept all day today

9am to 6pm

10pm to 3am

gotta work from 7am to 1pm

not a bad shift at all

then i'm off until he makes a new schedule

kind of also paranoid he's gonna just take me off the schedule

i wonder why lol

almost like everyone in my life is leaving right now

other than tea

they stick by me through thick and thin

though after i vented to them all day yesterday

which i'm sure was exhausting

they decided to post on tumblr about all their problems too

which is fine

it's just that all those problems mirror my own

then they come to me for help and i'm really not in a place to do so

and it's fine

we can have the same problems

but like...

i got here first man

it's ok though

i love them

had an honest talk with my brother

which is funny cause he was so emotionally stunted as a kid

my mom does that to people

whatever

tomorrow

or today i guess since it's like four in the morning now

should be ok

dogs will be dogs

i will take care of them

then come home and shower

and all will be good

get food

maybe walk another dog

easy day

just hope the band decides to have a talk with me sooner

cause it's eating me alive

but it's ok

no matter what i'll be ok

been a while...

i don't quite remember how i once formatted these blogs

it's been three years since my last post here

since then i've had at least three private blogs that were too sensitive to fathom someone finding

wouldn't be good for me i guess

so i'm not really going to post anything crazy here

this is just to dump my thoughts in a place that isn't twitter or instagram

uh....

yeah i guess i'm at rock bottom right now

or what could turn into rock bottom

i have anger issues i always have

the other day at band practice things weren't going how i wanted them to

i mean things were fine but it just wasn't productive cause no one was communicating in my opinion (which could be flawed)

regardless

as a vocalist i feel pretty helpless when we're just writing songs

i'm not gonna start scatting melodies or some shit

there isn't much for me to do

liam ended up asking kyle to drum for a bit and at that point i had had enough of the day so i walked upstairs and punched two holes in the wall of the living room

stupid of me no doubt

they ended 'practice' and obviously saw what i had done

i was upstairs venting to tea about the whole thing

i knew i fucked up

i went outside where everyone else was 

no doubt talking about what i'm going to get to

they mentioned the holes in the wall asking me what was up

i blamed it on some family shit

they prob saw through it

regardless

we didn't practice yesterday like we normally do

alex said they were "drained" which is fine

i'm not stupid

today i see a long message in the band chat essentially saying we're taking a break for a little bit and they're going to evaluate whether they should kick me out or not

after we all have a talk of course

it's understandable

not really cool how i acted and i'm willing to be gracious in further conversation

just sucks that it has come to this

i was just starting to feel ok after months of spiraling out of control

got fired from job

the world is on fire with this virus

had to cancel a full US tour

had to postpone recording (wasn't a big deal)

i've had control of my life more or less since i decided to not speak to my mom

i was probably 16

just did what i wanted to do

made my money

skipped school

the whole thing

this is the first time i feel like i've had no control

i've had so many dreams where my teeth fall out and i swallow them

i just feel helpless

i can't force the idiots in this country to all wear masks

can't book shows

can't write music cause i don't play any instruments (that well)

so i guess my anger came out in that moment where i also did not have control of practice

i'm not a control freak or anything

i let people voice their ideas and i trust them all to write music that i want to be a part of playing

it just feels so stupid sitting there not being able to do anything

cause no one communicates

and i don't play an instrument

when we do have this talk i'm going to just try and listen and not offer excuses

any issue i have with anybody can be solved later

and there aren't really any issues

it's just that i'm lonely

i have no friends

and that's my fault

people don't like me

i was mean for a long time

i stopped that

i guess now i'm just too negative

and i gotta get over it

cause no one wants to hear me talk shit about whatever band i dislike

whatever stupid kid said what on these apps that i hate

it doesn't matter and it just adds to negativity in peoples minds

so i'm really going to make an effort to stop

i don't have to be friends with everyone in my band

i can keep everything separate

i'm just afraid that if i'm not around facilitating practices

nothing will end up getting done

and i want this band to be huge

cause i think we have what it takes

not for my ego

not for "fans"

i just like music and want to be a part of it

from the inside

my intentions are good

i just really hope they give me a chance

i got a new job working with dogs

it seems to be good for my mental health

i've never been happy to wake up at 5:30 before

i guess i wasn't happy

but i wasn't dreading it

i need to not take things for granted

my band

my girlfriend

my job

the good qualities that i do have

the truth is i just hate myself

i write all these lyrics

that tell you i'm sowing the seeds of my own demise

'i cut myself on everyone'

'i'm burning up i'm becoming a victim of myself'

'forget me or go blind trying'

i'm essentially telling people i'm going to kill myself

not today

not tomorrow

but one day

and all these people who no longer invite me to their homes

to hang out

will grab the mic from me

and scream those words in my face

without knowing what i'm telling them in these stupid songs

being in a band is not the best thing for me

but it's all i know

it's all i'm good at

marketing

promoting

touring

grinding

making sure we take the right steps

whatever

if i stay in the band we'll get there

and if i get kicked out

i'm sure they'll find their place and be happy there

i don't doubt anyone's musical ability

our success is not solely attributed to me

no matter how hard i push people

no matter how much of a plan i lay out

they're still mad talented

whatever just needed to get that shit off my chest

gonna try to post more about things i enjoy and dissecting why and how things apply to me mentally

not trying to make this some stupid self loathing self pity blog like all the private ones in the past

i am actively trying to be a healthier happier person

i hate myself

i don't know if that will ever change

but i can not give in

not today

not anymore

if you're reading this

i would appreciate it if you kept this our little secret

i need a place to vent

i don't want to drag the people i speak about into some drama

i sound paranoid but it has happened time and time again cause of my big fucking mouth

i'll write soon

hang tight

-jordan

9th

my dying dog on a throne of old papers at my dads shop

was probably going to be another picture of my dog

fish and dog at my dads shop

man in alley in delray

this was the night i drove to steal tea away

heading back to fort myers

tea sketching something

slump

perks of having your barber move in with you
josh sharpening scissors for no apparent reason

fei lung advertisement at some burger place in naples
"for all your emo needs"

naples is fucking wack

fish on beach

fish or aplaca

tea saw her first dolphin

all along the watch tower

we saw a cute dog

said cute dog

weird building in ybor 

chickens run the streets in ybor

comic wall in tampa

tea found interviews with my favorite anime director, satoshi kon

we were in tampa to see my friends in spit! play with meatwound

puppers galore

i'd rather waste a shot on myself than have to put another roll in
while something neat isi happening
feat friendly otter shirt

tea had moved into a significantly smaller apartment because her mom got evicted

it would have been fine but she had to share a room with her brother

(who's hygiene has been discussed in an earlier post) 

her mom wouldn't let her sleep in the living room instead, things got to a boiling point and tea's 

mom kicked her out

it's for the best and tea's mom is a shitty person anyway so we're both glad to be done with her

saves me money on gas and now i get to see tea every day of my life

tea moved here to fort myers a few days before a show i was going to go to in tampa

so she got to come along as well

we found an old gear repair store that sold comics and manga out of the back

found a lot of cool shit

spit! and meatwound were fucking incredible, they played at steelworker records

i got a few cool 7"s  

i should have picked up that meatwound 12" but i didn't know dan played in CWV

and i had found it before hearing them

we got back to fort myers and decided to head to naples on a day tea and i both had off

(tea actually got a job here within two days of her moving in)

we feared tea would have to drop out of high school upon moving but her teachers have been nothing but cooperative and understanding (though i'm unsure if we lied to them or not)

tea saw her first dolphin in naples

i've been lucky enough to see all sorts of sea creatures in the wild

being with tea makes me think about how lucky i was to experience so much as a kid

naples is weird, i grew up on the east coast of florida in a place called boca raton

so i was used to seeing that sort of wealth 

i've been away from boca for a little over a year now

fucking hate wealthy people 

i want to be rich so i could open my own venue and not worry about it shutting down due to code or not being able to pay rent

i don't have much to say

i'm playing a show on the east coast tomorrow

meeting up with old friends 

tea is moving back with me, thankfully my dad is sympathetic to abuse

he feels responsible for how i was treated 

he's a good dude

the lost roll

I am incredibly bummed out by this, it's my fault, i'm an idiot, either i took too many pictures of unlit objects at night or it was a roll that i knew i ruined

when i went to grab the roll from my 'queue' on the plastic case it said "california"

if these were all night time pictures i don't know what they were of, i don't think we did much more at night than walk down a long winding mountain road to get dennys

we played a lot of magic the gathering

it may also be from the night we spent in san francisco, but i don't remember taking many pictures until we went to the highest point of san francisco

it was very foggy and rainy so you could barely make out the lights of the city but

the fog and mist had created such a dream like atmosphere that we didn't mind being rained on

then we drove home to ukiah 

if this is the roll that i know i ruined i'm pretty bummed out, i knew i took some great

pictures at the golden gate bridge, it was foggy and i remember this dude was painting the bridge,

there was another picture i took where it looked like this man was floating because of the foggy backdrop and my lower perspective, the roll may have ended in the redwoods

but i guess every picture of those ancient trees looks the same

currently i'm very sick and can not speak

i am sitting where i normally would in my dorms living room on very little sleep, wishing

my roommate would receive a call that a relative has passed so he could drive home for the weekend, leaving tea (who has moved in with me since the last update) and i to exist peacefully

i understand that he can not hear very well so that causes him to be unaware of how loud he is being

however there is no excuse for not being considerate of others 

tea and i combined make less noise than that fucking oaf 

i wish i had a darker room to myself

 i could use the alone time

sorry